For Lack of Trying
by JodieJelloCube
Summary: She wasn't looking his way, and was not aware of the way he stared. His eyes were so tender, begging for her to not start another fight, for her to understand.


So, basically I've always been a huge P!nk fan, majorly so. But, a very good friend of mine, Aaron, he idolises P!nk (he met her, she signed his arm and he has it tattooed) and he's been singing this song to me for the past week in college. And it made me think of how BBRae's relationship would take a lot of work, but as long as they didn't give up, I believe it would be one of the best relationships in fiction. So, thank you, Aaron. Here's another songfic!

Song: "Try" – P!nk.

* * *

_Ever wonder 'bout what he's doing,_

_How it all turned to lies?_

_Sometimes I think that it's better, to never ask why._

Beast Boy and Raven's relationship had shocked no one more than it shocked them. The other Titans had picked up on and had been cataloguing the growing affection between the two; it had started with endless bickering, and maybe even a little resentment. As they'd grown their relationship had grown with them, evolving to a friendship, although often an uneasy one at that, a friendship it was. It didn't surprise the others when Beast Boy and Raven began to enjoy each other's company, they became close friends, going to each other in their times of need. But they still sometimes tended to argue, more often than not because of Beast Boy getting on Raven's bad side, however temporarily or unintentionally, he always found a way to get under her skin. The team were just waiting for the next step, it seemed so inevitable to them, well, them being Robin and Cyborg, Starfire was more or less oblivious to anything that wasn't pointed out to her, and she'd never be able to keep it under wraps if she'd been told.

For a long time Beast Boy and Raven seemed to be stuck in some form of limbo, they had not actively progressed any further in their relationship but they seemed to be a lot more awkward around one another, they'd steal shy glances, blush at the most casual of physical contact and found it difficult to look each other in the eye. The Boy Wonder theorised that they'd both in fact come to the realisation that they had feelings for one another, and didn't know how to broach the subject. Cyborg had never had much sense for tact and endlessly teased Beast Boy about the situation, saying things like "Hey, grass stain, go tell your _girlfriend_ that dinner's ready." This of course ended up back-firing and caused Beast Boy to be even more hesitant around the resident empath for fear that Cyborg would say something in her presence and invoke her wrath.

Even the public had noticed, to a certain extent. People read deeply into things that on the surface seemed pretty trivial, Beast Boy always ended up standing at Raven's side, sitting beside her when the Team went out to dinner, Beast Boy always making sure that Raven got her chance to speak, if she so wished, in all of the group interviews they were forced to endure and Raven's brief, soft smiles as Beast Boy conversed enthusiastically with the younger generation of fans. These were just tiny insights that the citizens had picked up on, but it was enough to drive them wild with curiosity. Raven and Beast Boy mostly ignored the media attention, Raven because she'd never placed much stock in anything they said, and she was convinced it was an industry fuelled totally by greed, and Beast Boy because he was embarrassed by the publications and self-conscious as to what people might say about them.

From an outsider's perspective, it seemed entirely inevitable, but for Beast Boy and Raven, the whole thing was nothing less than a shock. They'd been so comfortable with each other for so long that they never even thought much about it; they just enjoyed spending time to together and trusted each other completely. They were so content with their situation that the possibility of more hadn't crossed their minds. Beast Boy was the first to register the change in his feelings; he'd always had the smallest crush on Raven - that was old news to him. He'd always thought she was beautiful, and he admired her intelligence, her level-headedness and he marvelled at her strength, both physically and in the sense of a person. But the more time they spent together, the more he wanted her closer. He found her to be endearing, she was a good listener, she gave expert advice and she gave him the benefit of the doubt. She was sweet in her own way and she kept her soft side well hidden. It was only after he'd discovered these attributes that he fully understood that he was in love with her.

Raven's revelation happened in much the same fashion, only slightly later than Beast Boy's. She was mesmerised by his ability to be such a kind-hearted and good-natured individual, and wear a constant smile, despite what he'd been through. He had no shame in anything he said or did and was always totally honest, he wore his heart on his sleeve and was almost naïve in how easily he trusted, Raven found it to be rather charming, and she knew more than anyone exactly how sweet Beast Boy could be. And so, her epiphany occurred.

It had taken them so long to reach the point of realisation that they both feared that too much time had passed to change things now. Relationships, like most things in life, take time, effort and consistency to get right, and it had taken them so long to get the comfortable, easy-as-breathing friendship that they had that they worried they'd lose it if they pursued anything further. When they'd first walked into the common room hand-in-hand Starfire had tugged them into her iron grip and deafened them with squeals of excitement. The lack of reaction from both Robin and Cyborg was rather unsettling to the couple; that was until Cyborg turned and gave an amused smirk to the pair, who blushed as they realised their predicament was in fact old news to some people.

They quickly found that they were fiercely possessive of one another. In Beast Boy's case it was predictable, at the very least probable, he had deep-rooted animal instincts and alpha-male tendencies, it was natural for him to be overprotective, it was not of conscious thought. But for Raven, she'd even surprised herself. She'd never thought of herself as the jealous type, she couldn't imagine herself ever getting envious at trivial things, she'd always been disgusted by girls who were obsessed with their boyfriends. But she found with great chagrin that she was one of them, she was paranoid to the extreme whenever she didn't know where he was. She panicked, not because she didn't trust him, she did – wholly and completely. She was worried because she didn't understand why he wanted to be with her, she wasn't overly affectionate, and never so in public, she was impatient and short-tempered and often condescending. There were many more girls out there who'd love to have Beast Boy, beautiful girls who were sociable and open-minded and enthusiastic. So, Raven was the jealous type, because she knew she had little to offer, but Beast Boy was hers, and she was infuriated by anyone who dared to try and take him. Beast Boy always laughed and told her that he loved her and she was being silly, and she knew she was, and that only angered her more.

What had once been an errant thought had evolved into a nagging insecurity, Raven was terrified that Beast Boy was stringing her along, what if he was seeing someone else? What if he was just waiting for the right time to break it off? She'd worked herself into frenzy, but she was the only one sabotaging her own happiness.

_Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame,_

_Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned._

_But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die._

_You gotta get up and try, try, try._

_Gotta get up and try, try, try._

_Gotta get up and try, try, try._

"What do you want from me here, Rae?!" Gar cried out in frustration, during one of their frequent, heated arguments.

He knew that Raven was insecure and possessive, these were traits that he too possessed, but it was exhausting to say the least when they had to continuously hash it out over the most minor of incidents. He had proved himself to her time and time again and it was infuriating and incredibly tiring for him to continue to do so.

"I don't know!" Raven burst out, her voice breaking.

She curled in on herself, pulling her cloak tighter around her and clamping shut her watering eyes. She couldn't understand why she'd been so angry at him. She had no right to feel so strongly about something so trivial. She couldn't seem to help herself though.

"I saw the way you were looking at them…" she persisted stubbornly, her voice a weak whimper, her resolve broken, her once furious demeanour entirely shattered.

"What way? What are you talking about?! I signed some autographs! Yes, those girls liked me. But, we're pretty much celebrities, it's to be expected!" he realised pretty quickly that his voice was still considerably loud and Raven look completely miserable.

With a deep sigh he tugged his hand through his disarrayed hair. He glanced over at Raven to see her shoulders rise upward only to come down in jagged shudders, her soft sniffles met his ears and he immediately regretted shouting at her. Even though she had been the one to start their fight, if he was being honest with himself, she'd had reason to. He had looked those girls over, he was a teenage boy, and sometimes he couldn't help himself. He hadn't desired them in the least, and they were certainly nothing special, but he'd looked anyway. He should've known how horrid that would've made Raven feel. He hadn't known she was watching, but that wasn't the point anyway. He loved Raven, she knew that. He'd deny her nothing, and he'd do anything for her. But still, if Raven hadn't have been so angry at Gar, she most certainly would've been baying for those girls' blood. How dare they desire what was hers?

Raven cried softly, her tears burning salty tears down her porcelain cheeks. She got so angry, and even if it was justified she hated fighting with Beast Boy. She loved him so much and feared that she would drive him away. The logical part of her mind tried to remind her that Gar had seen the very worst of her and he'd never even taken a step back, but love isn't logical. And Raven was a worrier.

"They were prettier than me…" she breathed out, her voice so broken, holding all the uncertainty of a scared little girl.

Gar took a careful step towards her, and ever so gently enveloped her in his arms. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and tried his best to make light of the situation, giving a shaky chuckle.

"Don't be ridiculous. You know there's no one else but you, not to me." he whispered.

Finally she met his eyes and she gave him a watery smile, she pressed her face to his chest and he held her tighter. He gave a sigh of great relief. He hated fighting just as much as she did, which was odd considering how often their fighting occurred. She mumbled her apology against his heart and clung to him tighter still.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He whispered.

_Funny how the heart can be deceiving,_

_More than just a couple of times._

_Why do we fall in love so easy?_

_Even when it's not right._

Past experiences had made both Gar and Raven doubt everything they knew about themselves. They'd both been nothing less than naïve in how easily they'd trusted Terra and Malchior. In a lot of ways these past mistakes had helped strengthen the relationship that Raven and Beast Boy now had, because they had both been broken down by people they'd opened up to, they knew how it felt to have everything they believed in be destroyed.

They both wanted a lasting, loving relationship, so far from what they'd been shown in the past. They could give each other that much. But, these past lovers had also made both Titans reconsider everything that they thought they'd wanted; they'd had to re-evaluate exactly what they were looking for. So, it had taken an excruciatingly long time for them to be in a position to give their hearts out again, it took a lot of work to rebuild them, and they were still fragile. These things made their fights all the more painful, and their reconciliations all the more sweet.

Raven trusted that Gar would never take advantage of her; he'd never mislead her or disappoint her, because he'd experienced these things before, just as she had. And Raven would never hurt him in any way, she'd never take him for granted or let him go through anything alone, and these mutual understandings meant that their relationship grew stronger, deeper and more and more real with each tiny misstep, miscommunication and disagreement.

In a twisted sort of way they owed Terra and Malchior for the love they now shared. But Raven was left with the same painful question playing on her mind, what if Terra had never been corrupted? Even though both Beast Boy and Raven had been betrayed, Malchior's intention had always been to use Raven, whereas Terra was manipulated by a mad man. Raven couldn't help but imagine what would've happened if Terra had never met Slade, or if Terra had just requested Robin's help with her powers. She never would've betrayed the team; she never would've left Beast Boy. Raven never would've gotten a chance with him.

These theories plagued Raven daily, but she was too scared to voice them, in case she'd be proven right.

_Where there is desire, there is gonna be flame._

_Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned._

_Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die._

_You gotta get up and try, try, try._

_Gotta get up and try, try, try._

_Gotta get up and try, try, try._

Every year, without fail, on the anniversary of Terra's 'death' flowers were placed at her statue that had become her memorial of sorts. For the first year or two the entire team had gone together to leave the bouquet there. But, as the years passed and the Titans moved on, they no longer made the annual trip together, though they never forgot. The one hero who continued to venture into the earth's depths year after year was Beast Boy. He felt somewhat responsible for the way things had ended. He knew that it had been Terra's own insecurities and self-doubt that had led her to betray them, he understood that if she'd been of stronger mind there was a great probability none of them would've suffered the way they did. But, ultimately, he had been the one she'd trusted the most, and Slade must have felt threatened by those feelings, or he wouldn't have needed that suit as a fail-safe in the first place. Gar wondered if he could've prevented it all. As his life continued though, he pondered this less and less; he found things to focus on that meant more to him than a possible past mistake ever could. He knew that he was ever so gradually forgetting, not completely, but days and sometimes weeks at a time passed and the changeling didn't think of the geomancer, and this filled him with guilt. So, every year he placed flowers where she stood frozen, and he apologized for not doing more to help her, but at the time he'd been at a loss for what to do.

Raven didn't approve of these trips, she always tried to make out that the reason for this was because Terra had 'brought it on herself', when in actuality Raven just worried that Beast Boy's guilt was not the only reason he went. She panicked that Terra still had more of him than she ever could. Raven was not naïve, she understood that there was a piece of Gar that she would never touch, the piece that was reserved for Terra, and what she'd once meant to him. Raven had accepted this; she truly did understand the emotional state he was in. Gar constantly consoled Raven and told her that he loved her, and that he was hers now, but he still felt remorse for Terra's end, and the only way he could keep his peace of mind was by making these yearly trips. Raven still worried though.

"Do you have to go?" Raven asked quietly when that day rolled around again.

"You know I do, Rae. How many times do we have to go through this?" Gar sighed in exasperation, despite the fact their conversation had barely begun.

Raven gave a sigh of her own, not even attempting to mask her anger, the soft sound held her impatience and her distain. Gar gave her a longing look from across the room; he was leaning against her desk as she sat upon the bed they'd been sharing for some time now. She wasn't looking his way, and was not aware of the way he stared. His eyes were so tender, begging for her to not start another fight, for her to understand.

"What is it that bothers you so much?" he asked gently.

She looked at him then, her face hard and eyes flashing icily. Her sharp tongue was about ready to strike with words she'd quickly regret, but that look in his eye stopped her. She gave another sigh, this one full of defeat.

"What if she'd never betrayed us? Betrayed you?...Where would I be then?" Raven finally asked; her voice was timid as she expressed her fear of losing him, her uncertainty of her place.

Gar blinked slowly at her, having not anticipated that response. He'd always known that Raven disliked Terra, always had, from the very beginning. He had assumed that Raven's distaste for these annual visits had stemmed from that alone. He'd been clueless.

He stepped cautiously toward her and perched on the edge of the large mattress, he reached across to take her hand. She wouldn't meet his eye and as he looked upon her face he saw what he should've seen in the beginning. She truly was unsure of her hold on him.

"You're everything to me, you know that, right?" he began softly, "I don't know what would've happened, but I believe that things happen because they were meant to. So I don't question any of this. I never have. I've never doubted us, not for a moment. And neither should you." He whispered, and she cried.

She dragged herself across the small space between them and collapsed into him. The tears fell and shortly after her eyelids did too, and she slept. When she awoke his warmth was absent from her side, a folded piece of paper in his place.

'**I need to do this. I love you.'**

_Ever worry that it might be ruined,_

_And does it make you wanna cry?_

_When you're out there doing what you're doing,_

_Are you just getting by?_

_Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?_

When Gar returned after placing the flowers at Terra's feet and apologizing for the umpteenth time, he found Raven's bed empty. He hadn't been surprised when she'd cried herself to sleep; she hadn't been sleeping well for the couple of weeks prior, possibly due to the anniversary of Terra's demise. Gar knew that their fight was far from over, Raven's upset and exhaustion had put it on hold but he hadn't won yet, and she was bound to be incredibly displeased that he'd left her to sleep alone while he made his trip. Raven was not one to forgive and forget and though she knew that what Gar was doing was in no way wrong, she was far too stubborn to admit that, especially when it continued to plague her.

Gar sat on the edge of the large, round bed and ran his hands through his dishevelled hair; this was a little habit of his, a sign of his frustration. He was getting so tired of the same argument. He knew how Raven felt, and he hated making her feel that way, but she was so goddamn stubborn and he felt sometimes that he could never win. It really wore him down and he knew that he would eventually snap. He heard the door creak open and he gave a weary smile as the love of his life came to stand before him. Her beautiful face was marred by a deep-set frown and sad eyes.

"I can't believe you just left. You knew I was upset, that I was vulnerable, and you just left. To be with her." Raven's voice was so calm that it made him feel worse.

Gar knew that Raven had gone past the point of being angry; she was either too saddened or too emotionally drained to be mad at him. Gar would've preferred her to shout at him, at least then he could give a grovelling apology until she'd calmed down enough to forget about it. But now he was faced with a disappointed and thoroughly betrayed-feeling girlfriend who seemed to be in no mood for grovelling.

"Rae, I've explained this so many times. You know that you're the most important to me, why can't you just let me do this? One or two hours a year, at most, I go there. Because I think it's right, because it keeps me sane, and you blow it all out of proportion." The more he spoke the more riled up he got and before he knew it he was shouting "You think you're the only one who feels the way you do? You think I don't feel that, at any moment, I might lose you?! But I don't go on about it because I know there are lines I can't cross, things that I have no right to ask of you!" he fumed.

Raven gave him such a heart-breaking expression, her eyes full of tears and confusion and that only upset Gar further, the fact that she didn't understand what he was saying, as if she hadn't considered that he could feel the way that she did.

"You still have that fucking book!" he fumed, pointing accusingly at the old wooden trunk that Malchior continued to reside in.

Gar had mastered the art of false happiness, but his perfectly articulated smile was faltering now. His eyes flashed with murderous rage, not for the woman before him, but for the book's bound captive, who had hurt Raven much greater than he ever could. It bothered him greatly that she had kept it, that she had kept _him_, yet she lectured him about Terra. Raven's tears were spilling over now and usually that would've been enough to have Gar rushing to her, and whispering sweet nothings. But she'd pushed him too far this time.

"Don't you get it?! I understand! I respect that it's your choice, and maybe that dragon-bastard still has a part of you that I can never have! I don't like it, but I understand! Because I love you and I trust you love me too!" Gar's voice cracked and he gave a sigh "At least…I hope you do." He whispered.

"Of course I love you! And sometimes I hate the way you make me feel! I'm terrified, because I look at you and I know that there is so much more out there for you, and at any moment you could want it. And you'll go." Raven managed through her tears.

Gar's face softened instantly and he stepped forward to hold Raven's porcelain face. He gave her a tender kiss before he wiped at her eyes.

"All I want is you." He stated, and she knew of his honestly, she trusted him with all that she was.

She wished that she could stop overreacting. She hoped to one day know with absolute certainty that she'd never have to worry about where he was, because he'd always come back to her. There was nowhere else he'd rather be.

_Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame._

_Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned._

_But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die._

_You gotta get up and try, try, try._

_Gotta get up and try, try, try._

_Gotta get up and try, try, try._

For the most part their relationship was perfect; they had rough patches, just like every other couple. But Gar and Raven's 'rough patches' were always disastrously over-dramatic, because she'd always been one to make a mountain out of a mole-hill, especially when it came to her emotions, and he had always been one to take things personally. It was something that they were working on though. They tried not to be too possessive, or jealous. They worked to not take their frustrations and insecurities out on one another. It was an uphill battle, but they fought on. They hadn't quite yet prevailed completely, but it wasn't for lack of trying.


End file.
